Before I was married, I was out on a date with a woman, and we were making out and getting a little handsy. Out of the blue, she said “I’m not going back to your place tonight.” We hadn’t had sex yet, so I responded, somewhat confusedly, “OK,” and didn’t say anything else about it.
We continued to hang out and later, again with no prodding, she told me, “OK, I’ll come back to your place, but we’re not having sex.” I agreed and was amused, but also a little dumbfounded. I kept thinking “Who are you arguing with?!”
After becoming a dating coach, I had more insight on this moment. What I was doing, subconsciously, was turning her on (and on), and apparently I was doing such a good job that I was overriding her internal self-control mechanisms.
For the most part, all men want to do is please their partner. There’s nothing hotter than knowing we’ve gotten a woman all hot and bothered. And, let’s be honest, the more she gets turned on, the better it usually works out for us. So let’s discuss some different ways to turn a girl on. Keep in mind that what works for one woman won’t necessarily work for all women, so don’t take anything as gospel.
Turn a Girl On: In Person (#1-4)
Being with your lovely lady is awesome. You love the smell of her, the way she bites her lip when she concentrates, and the curve of her waist as she stretches. And we men know if we want to Netflix and chill, we better make sure she’s in the mood. Even if you’re out to dinner, at a party, in a bar, or other places where you can’t be intimate, you can still start the engine revving.
1. Lightly Touch Her
This isn’t just about the normal erogenous zones. Every part of her is a neural receptor that is looking for stimuli. The touches don’t have to be clunky or direct. Just find excuses to touch her like putting your hand on the small of her back when you pass behind her or placing your hand on her shoulder when you tell her you’ll be right back. All of that sensory input is felt, recorded, and, like a coiled rubber band, is looking for the time to release all of that stored-up energy.
My former client Sarah J. said, “A simple gentle touch, on the hand or at the small of the back, can be incredible. Once, after a man put an arm around me while sitting next to me, I actually felt my breasts tingle in response, even though his hands were nowhere near them.”
2. But Be Careful of Being Overly Grabby
Sometimes it seems irresistible — she’s standing right there and you just want to touch her, probably in ways that aren’t appropriate for public eyes. However, that is not going to endear you to her. I know when you’re actually together with someone, you want to reap the benefits of what you have. But while we might appreciate a good grab every now and then, for the most part, women are not down with that.
For one, almost every woman has been touched inappropriately by someone. You doing that might bring back those negative connotations. Also, if she feels she has to be constantly on guard anytime you’re around, it’s going to cause her to be anxious and maybe even not want to be around you. So yes, if you’re dating, you’ve somewhat earned the right to touch her, but it’s not a blanket clause for everywhere and anywhere.
3. Whisper a Compliment in Her Ear
Most women are suckers for romantic comedies and love all of that sappy stuff. And while a lot of it doesn’t really work the same way in real life (imagine actually showing up at someone’s wedding to profess your love for the bride!), the sexy whisper is one that definitely translates.
Anytime you’re in public, brush her hair back and whisper a sweet nothing into her ear. Even if it’s something you could say around everyone like “You look amazing,” the whisper gives it added weight, and the feel of your breath on her ear or neck will send pleasant shivers down her spine.
4. Give Her Some Space, Even If It Seems Counterintuitive
She’s fantastic, she makes your heart flutter, her scent is intoxicating, and you love being around her. I get it. Just be careful about monopolizing her time and energy. If you’re out with friends, don’t try and keep her by your side all the time. Yes, you may think it shows how much you adore her, but it can actually make you seem possessive and needy.
Let her bounce around and have fun, as you should be doing as well. You can circle back after a bit and show you’re making sure she’s OK and doesn’t need anything, but otherwise, let her do what she wants. After all, if you’re together, you’re already leaving with her! This tip also applies when it’s just the two of you. If she’s cooking, you don’t have to be all up in her grill (HA!). If she’s reading on the couch, don’t flop on her. A certain amount of comfortable space is good, and constantly being there can lead to annoyance or resentment.
Turn a Girl On: Over Text & Phone (#5-8)
Lots of times you can connect with a woman by texting or leaving voicemails. Teasing and flirting in any available medium is a good thing, and if you can accomplish this when she’s separated from you, it’s only going to benefit you when she sees you next.
5. Send Her a Poem or Part of One
Believe it or not, poetry still works. We’re all suckers for some sweet words. Even 4,000 years ago in ancient Sumer, people were wooing each other with this, the oldest known love poem: “Bridegroom, dear to my heart, Goodly is your beauty, honeysweet. You have captivated me, let me stand trembling before you; Bridegroom, I would be taken to the bedchamber.”
If you want something a little shorter, you could text her a haiku like this: “Before I met you/I was me but not the me/I knew I could be.” Or send her part of a sonnet: “If I should think of love, I’d think of you, your arms uplifted/Tying your hair in plaits above/The lyre shape of your arms and shoulders/The soft curve of your winding head.”
No matter what it is, she will love the fact that not only are you being sweet and romantic, but you’re spending time looking for the words.
6. Sexually Tease Her in a Tasteful Way & Avoid Unsolicited Sexting
Sure sexting is fun and exciting and absolutely deserves its place in dating. However, everything in the right place and time.
If she looks at her phone and is suddenly greeted with a twig ‘n’ berries with no preamble, she’s not going to think it’s hot. At best, she’ll think it’s presumptuous and at worst, she’ll be offended. What you could do instead is take a picture of your made bed and caption it “The before picture ;-).”
7. Leave Her a Message About What’s Waiting for Her
Women love anticipation. It gets their emotional juices flowing. If you have a date that night, leave her a message about how excited you are and what you’re thinking about: “I can’t wait to see you tonight. I’m trying to choose my outfit now and listening to our song, thinking about having you in my arms again. Until tonight!” I promise you’ll make her swoon.
If you live together, tell her about what’s waiting for her at home: “When you walk in, you’ll smell dinner cooking. There will be candles lit and music playing. After dinner, the massage oil is standing by…”
8. Use Soft & Indirect Language
Unless you’re in a heavy sexting battle, be careful of your word choice. “I want to !@#$% you in the @#$%^!” isn’t really going to help your case. While you know that’s what you want to do, and she knows you know that’s what you want to do, seeing it in writing kind of takes the sexiness out of it.
Be a little roundabout and suggestive in your message, either in text or in a voicemail. Bad: “I can’t wait to see you nekkid.” Good: “The thought of seeing you and touching your body later makes me unable to concentrate at work!”
Turn a Girl On: While Kissing or In Bed (#9-12)
You have done your job well, sir! You now have her in your arms. You’re kissing, breathing heavy, and headed toward the bedroom. Make sure you keep your momentum going and keep turning her on. Just because it’s go time, that doesn’t mean you can forget about ramping up her emotions.
9. Observe the 2:1 Lips to Tongue Kissing Rule
Everyone’s kissing style is different, so try and read her body language to find out what she likes best. Though, most women enjoy much more lips than they do tongue. Many of us have had the unfortunate kisser who thinks it’s all tongue. **shudder**
Make sure you use your lips more than your tongue. Gently suck on her lower lip, kiss her neck, brush your lips across her earlobe. The tongue is absolutely a great thing to use (more on that later), but the lips are sensual and sexy. Make sure they are used to maximum effect.
10. Take Things Slow
If you really want to turn her on, go slowly. I know it’s hard, I’m a guy as well! But when you go slow and sexy, and spend some time on your foreplay, it gets her more and more turned on until she just needs it.
Even if you have already had sex once or dozens of times, if you really want to get her going, make the full journey around her body. Places to kiss: neck, forehead, clavicle, inside the wrist, lower back, toes (if she likes it). Places to gently scratch: upper back, back of upper arm, waist, back of thigh, scalp, between the breasts. Combine them for added bonus!
11. Learn to Go Down
No way to sugar coat this one. Men, learn to use your tongue. Let me repeat myself because it’s that important: Use. Your. Tongue.
Women, just like men, love it when they receive oral sex, but not as many men are willing to go there as women are to men. Or if they do, it’s a perfunctory **lick, lick, lick.** I know many women, both growing up and even now, who have never had a guy do this to them — let alone do it well. If you can get good at this, women will MELT! Trust me on this one, I’ve actually given tips to a lesbian.
As a basic, don’t go straight for the clit. In fact, ignore the clit for a while. Remember, you want to turn them on, so a slow build is best. Even when you are ready to go to her pleasure center, remember it’s a concentrated nerve cluster unlike anything we have. Treat it with respect, but don’t be afraid of it. If you get even passable at this, you may have women knocking on your door.
12. Check In With Her But Don’t Keep Asking What She Wants
Communication is always key, especially in bed. Knowing what she wants and being able to tell her what you want makes a bedtime romping session particularly great. However, there is such a thing as too much. Nothing will kill the mood faster than asking “What do you want next? Do you like this? Am I going to fast? What position are you up for?” Women (like us) just want you to take control sometimes and enjoy the moment.
So a few questions or pointers per session is OK, but at some point, you just gotta go with it. Even a confident move (grabbing her and flipping her over on her stomach) that isn’t her favorite is still going to be hot for her because of how you did it.
Master a Few of These Tips & You’re On the Right Track!
The spectrum of what turns someone on is wide and varied. As you get to know someone more and more, you’ll calibrate your offerings to suit what she likes, but if you follow the above suggestions, you’ll be batting pretty well for yourself. And if you can learn the fine art of turning a woman on so much that she can’t think straight, she will remember you forever, even on cold January nights lying in bed decades later.
And as for the girl in the bar? Well we did go home that night, and we didn’t have sex, but I used the time to try and turn her on as many times as possible that night. And you know what happened the next time she saw me? I got manhandled. Here’s to learning to do it right!
Originally published in DatingAdvice
Photo sources: nymag.com, menshealth.com, vt.edu, boardofwisdom.com, romance4thebeach.wordpress.com, themodernman.com