Originally published on Lavalife
What Fear Is, What Fear Does
It happens to the best of us. It’s that subconscious reaction that happens when we are in an uncomfortable situation. So, why can’t you seem to kick your dating fears to the curb?
Unbeknownst to you, when you feel fear, your entire body changes. Your breath changes, your facial expression changes, your eye contact changes, even your posture.
Before you know it, the woman you are talking to is being dragged away by her friends who have referred to you as “creepy” or “awkward.” The reason I bring up fear is because it could be the reason you’re striking out with women.
How Fear Affects Your Dating Life
Your subconscious mind works harder than your conscious mind. This is exactly why your mindset should be positive.
So what does that mean for you when it comes to meeting beautiful women? A lot, actually.
You see, the thoughts and beliefs you have on a daily basis shape your subconscious mind. Therefore, the more negative your thoughts, the more your actions will follow suit. Think of this simple example. If you’re having a bad day, more often than not, your face will reflect it. Your body follows your mind.
On the other hand, if you’re in a great mood, your face will reflect it via a smile.
The same goes with fear. If you feel fear when talking to a woman, the side effects of that fear could sabotage your chances. Remember, women are EXTREMELY perceptive and are skilled at picking up on emotion or when something just “doesn’t feel right.”
It is not a fight or flight state that your mind goes into when you see a beautiful woman you want to approach. It is actually Freeze, Flight and Fight. First you freeze (thinking of how to start conversation), then you flight (do not approach until she already left, or leave yourself) and only then fight (approach, rarely if at all).
Say “Goodbye” to Your Fear
1. Change your Internal Language
Start talking to yourself more positively. Obliterate the words “Can’t” and “Won’t” from your vocabulary. Stop using external causes (excuses) like “I’m too short, or not good looking enough”. Initially focus on positives. “Fake it till you make it” has a true ring when it comes to confidence and dealing with fear.
At some point it just clicks, and confidence becomes a second skin…transforming fear into courage.
2. Practice Makes Perfect
The more experience you get to talking to women, the better you will become. People don’t build their social skills by sitting on their couch and watching sports. GET OUT The HOUSE. For every opportunity that you have to talk to an attractive woman (the situations you tend to talk yourself out of) instead, step up to the plate and take a chance.
With risk comes reward and as a man, it is your DUTY to take risks. Because women won’t be flocking around you, unless you get out there.
So next time you’re convincing yourself that you’re “trying” to talk to women more often, remember this: there’s no such thing as trying. You’re either actively doing something or you’re actively not doing it (because you will still think about women even when you’re not doing anything about it, and you will try to suppress it.
But you can’t suppress it since it is one of our most basic biological drives). Choose wisely.
Give it a Try
Next week have 2 conversations every day with a woman behind the counter that sells you coffee / lunch. Try to go to different places every day. Don’t just ask for coffee, get at least a 30 second conversation out of interaction. Observe her, how she responds, what she says, how she says it. You will learn a lot from subtleties.